Two Different Worlds (Destiel High School AU)
by MadHatterGlassie
Summary: (I suck at this) Castiel Novak is mercilessly bullied and deals with suicidal thoughts and self harm. Dean Winchester on the other hand, has a perfect life, perfect family, and a perfect girlfriend. He's popular and has tons of friends. Total opposites but then they become friends, what will happen next?
1. Chapter 1

Cas sat in his room, he started West Rogers High School tomorrow and he wasn't ready. He put his head in his hands, his thoughts were harsh, and it made things worse; listening to music didn't help either. He walked into his bathroom with tears streaming down his face, slamming the door shut; he pulled up his sleeve and pulled the blade out of his drawer; looking down at his pale skin, seeing all of the little lined he had made. He took the blade down and pressed it across his skin, his arm slowly filling up with red; he said what was in his head with every cut:

 _You are worthless._

 _Fag_

 _Go kill yourself._

 _Failure_

He looked down at the mess he had made; his therapist told him that things would get better, that those words won't hurt anymore, that he was going to be okay... but her words were false. He cleaned himself up and kept his sleeves covering the fresh lines across his skin; he didn't want any more medication. With the tears still in his eyes, he looked up and asked, "Why'd you have to go? Why?" His vision was blurry and his eyes burned; his tears came down his cheeks like tiny waterfalls, he felt as though he never stopped crying. "Castiel!" He heard his aunt call, "Castiel! I have someone who I want you to meet!" Cas wiped his tears with his sleeves, "I'll be down in a minuet." He yelled back. He splashed some cold water on his face, and stood there, hoping his face wasn't puffy.

While walking down the stairs, he looked at all of the pictures of his family members; pictures of his parents, of him, and his grandparents. His mother was beautiful, he had gotten his blue eyes from her, though his eyes were sad. "Cas." His Aunt Katherine said at the bottom of the stairs, "What's taking you so long?" He shook his head, "Nothing." She smiled at him, "Well come on!" She waved to him. When he stepped down behind her, he seen the most beautiful pair of green eyes he had ever seen. "Cas, this is one of the Winchesters, say hello." He held his head down and rubbed the back of his neck, "Hello." He said quietly. His aunt put a hand on his back, "You don't have to be so shy." He looked back up to the green eyed boy and he could feel his blush spread across his cheeks. The green eyed boy held out his hand, "Dean Winchester." He smiled, Cas put his hand in his and shook it, "Castiel Novak."

Dean looked outside his window, he seen a taxi pull up in his neighbors driveway and a guy come out, about his age, carrying bags up to Katherine's house and knocking. He was wearing a dark blue sweater and he kept the edge of the sleeves in his hands. The door flung open and he was pulled into a hug; Dean furrowed his eyebrows, relatives maybe? He wasn't sure. "What are you doing?" Dean turned around to see his younger brother, Sam. "Well Sammy, we got a new neighbor." Sam rolled his eyes, "It's em style="box-sizing: border-box;"Sam/em." He said, he hated it when Dean called him Sammy. Dean winked at his brother, "Who is it?" Sam asked. "Its a guy, around my age, he's at Katherine's." Sam stared at Dean, "You should go introduce yourself, so he'll have a friend." Dean nodded, "That's a good idea, thanks _Sammy._ " He said. He laughed and ruffled Sam's hair.

After Dean's workout, he showered and put on his favorite white shirt and green jacket. "I'll be back, Sammy." He yelled, he could hear him groan, "Okay." Dean smiled and stepped out the door. He knocked on Katherine's door and she opened it, "Dean! Come on in!" She waved him in. He loved her house, it was bigger and it had beautiful dark wood. "I'm guessing you seen my nephew?" She asked while straightening her purple blazer. Dean nodded and put his hands into pockets, she put her hands together, "Oh, I hope you become close friends, he really needs it." Dean turned his head to the side, she dropped her hands and a sad expression came across her face, "My sister and his father got into a car wreck on his birthday last month... he's just had a really tough life." She pushed her blonde bangs out of her face and went to the edge of the stairs and began calling for him. _Castiel? That's a pretty name_. He thought to himself. A few minuets later, he came walking down the stairs; he looked into his eyes, he seen the most beautiful pair of blue eyes he had ever seen. Cas put his head down and rubbed the back of his neck, for some reason Dean was nervous, and Dean Winchester has never been nervous, not even around the hottest chick. He stuck out his hand, "Dean Winchester." He smiled, and they shook hands, "Castiel Novak." Katherine smiled, "Dean, do you mind showing Cas the town? I know that it's weird to ask but, could you?" Dean shook his head, "Nah, I don't mind." Cas looked at Katherine, "I still have to unpack." Katherine put a hand on his shoulder and looked him in the eyes, "I want you to go have a good time, I'll unpack for you." She smiled a reassuring smile, "Plus, I know Dean very well, since he was a little boy, he's a good kid." Cas smiled slightly and nodded, "Okay." Dean smiled at Cas and Cas smiled back.

"Cas," Dean opened the garage door, "meet Baby." Cas's eyes popped open, "You have an Impala?" He asked, getting closer to the black beauty. "Do you know how to drive a stick?" Cas shook his head, still looking at the car, "No, my dad was going to teach me how." Dean crossed his arms, "I could show you how." Cas looked up at him, he looked excited, "That would be amazing." Dean uncrossed his arms, "Get in, lets go for a ride."

"My dad had a 1970 Challenger R/T, it was black too." Cas said, he was looking out the window, "I always told him that he had to get me a 72' Plymouth GTX and it had to be a nice cherry red." Dean looked at him and smiled, "Damn nice cars." Cas looked over and smiled, "Yeah, almost as nice as yours." Dean looked back at the road, "Do you like donuts?" Dean asked. Cas looked at Dean's arms, he was obviously athletic, nicely toned arms. "Who doesn't?" Dean raised his eyebrows, "That's very true and I'm taking you to get the best donuts you'll ever have." Cas looked at Dean's shoulders now, he has never been so conflicted.

Cas bit into the doughnut and moaned, "I'm in heaven." He said. Dean laughed slightly, "I told you, best donuts ever. This is where me and my girlfriend had our first date." He said. _Of course he has a girlfriend_. "You gotta girlfriend, Cas?" Dean asked him. Cas shook his head, "No, I haven't had one since the 8th grade and we only dated for a week." He looked a Cas with a puzzled expression, "Why haven't you dated since?" He asked. Cas shrugged, "I was never interested in anyone else and no one was interested in me. Plus they we're all assbutts anyways." _And the fact that I also like the same sex_. Dean laughed, "Assbutts?" Cas laughed a little too.

 _ **ONE WEEK LATER...**_

 _Are you fucking kidding me?_ Cas thought, this was the fifth wad of paper thrown at his head. The bell rang for lunch and Cas was ready to go back to Katherine's. He shoved his books back in his locker and turned around, only to be pushed back into his locker by Crowley, "Where you goin', mate?" Cas rolled his eyes, "I _was_ going to eat but I guess I'm being a punching bag for a troubled teen." He said sarcastically. Crowley punched him in the gut, knocking the breath out of him, he doubled over, "Wait, what was that? Was that your mum I heard? Oh, I think she's telling me to hit you again!" He punched him again, this time in the face, giving him a swollen eye. "Crowley!" He heard a deep voice yell, "Leave him alone!" Dean came over and pushed him back, "I'll get him better next time, bye boys." He said then left. "You okay man?" Dean asked, and Cas nodded, "I've been punched harder and more. I'm good." He stood up straighter. "Oh Cas, I wish I had gotten here sooner."


	2. Chapter 2- Late Night Fires

A month has passed since Dean introduced himself and he and Cas have grown to be best friends. _Thunk. Thunk._ There was something being thrown at his window, he wiped his tears away from his face and stood up to look out the window; it was Dean. He had a big smile on his face, he waved. Cas opened his window, "Hello Dean. You do know it's 11 pm right?" Cas yelled with a smile, Dean shrugged, "You're still awake aren't you?" Cas shook his head, "Come on down, Cas, we're going somewhere." Cas nodded, and looked down and seen his bare chest, he felt his cheeks get hot, "I'll be down in a minute." He closed his window and put his head in his hands, why didn't he put on a shirt?  
He put on his grey sweater and walked out the door, Katherine was asleep. He snuck out the door and Dean put a hand on his shoulder, "Let's go." Cas looked at him, "Where?" He asked, he looked at Dean's leather jacket, it was older and worn in.

"You still haven't told me where we are going." Cas looked over at Dean, he had a goofy smile plastered on his face, "You'll love it." They looked at each other and smiled, Cas loved moment's like this, they made him feel truly happy. Dean turned into a dirt road, "And we're here." Dean parked "baby" and quickly ran to a pile of sticks, "There's nothing I love more then setting things on fire." Dean lit a match and threw it onto the sticks; the fire quickly spread. Once Cas could see everything, he seen that they we're by the lake, Dean had found a secluded area just for them. Cas smiled, it was beautiful, the fire made Dean look beautiful. Dean threw his jacket off and started taking off his clothes; Cas watched as he did. "What are you doing?" He looked at him, throwing off his shirt he said, "I'm going for a swim." He took off sprinting to the water and jumped off; he popped back up, "Holy shit it's cold!" He yells and Cas laughs, Dean stood up, the glimmer of the water reflected off of his chest and stomach, Dean ran his fingers through his hair, and Cas quickly looked away, a deep blush spreading across his cheeks. Cas thought about Dean all the time; he thought about how he would hate him if he seen the marks across his wrists. "Come on, Cas, you're not gonna leave me swimming by myself are you?" Cas pulled his sleeves down, "I... uh... don't... swim." Dean shook his head and took a step towards him, "What are you talking about? You have a swimmers body." He walked to him, he grabbed Cas's hand and pulled him to the water, "We're going to swim." He tried pulling away but Dean's grip was tight. "What about my clothes, I can't go in like this." He stopped and looked at him, "Then take them off." Cas looked down, there was no way he could get out of this. "I can't, I'm not comfortable in doing so." Dean let go of his hand and shrugged, "I have clothes in the car." Dean pulled him in and basically carried him and put him in the water. Cas popped back up, "You assbutt!" He yelled, and tackled Dean in the water. They laughed and fought until Dean grabbed one of Cas's wrists. Cas winced and pulled back, holding his wrist. Dean quickly got to his side, "What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" He put his hand on his shoulder, he knew that Dean seen the reddish color come through his grey sweater. Cas bit his lip and said, "Please don't look."

Dean looked at Cas's bare wrist, so many lines, and so much red. Dean looked back up at Cas, tears were running down his cheeks, "Cas please don't cry..." He said, he put his hand on Cas's cheek and wiped, "Please don't hate me... I don't want to lose you too." Cas lowered his head and cried harder, "Hey, hey, hey, don't cry..." He put his other hand on his other cheek and lifted it, "I could never hate you and I would never leave you." He smiled at Cas and pulled him into a hug; when they let go, Dean said, "Let's get you cleaned up."

They sat by the fire together, "You know," Dean said, "if you ever feel like doing that again, just come and talk to me. Please. I promise that I will listen, I don't want you doing this to yourself." Cas poked the fire with a stick, "Don't worry about me, I can do this by myself." He said quietly. Dean looked at him, Cas was wearing one of his shirts, slightly too big on him but he looked adorable, "But you don't have to go through it alone. Just call me or come to my room next time you feel like that. Please." Cas nodded, "Okay." He watched as Cas stood up, and walked to the lake; he stood there and looked out. Dean bit the inside of his lip, he got up and stood beside Cas; he reached up and put his hand on Cas's shoulder and smiled. Cas looked at him and smiled sadly, Dean lowered his hand and put it in Cas's. "I'll always be here for you, Cas. No matter what." Cas squeezed his hand and Dean felt a warmness in his stomach. "Thank you, Dean." He turned to Dean and they hugged, a long, warm hug.

When he dropped Cas off, it was after 3 am and they were exhausted. Cas looked at him and smiled sadly, "Thanks for taking me out there, it was fun." Dean nodded and they hugged again, hugging Cas made him feel better for some reason. "Goodbye Dean." Dean smiled, "Seeya Cas."

Dean snuck into his room, throwing off his jacket, and flopping on his bed. He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, his stomach felt funny, when he touched Cas it felt right. Kissing Lisa wasn't as good as touching Cas. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw Cas, smiling at him.


	3. Chapter 3- Blow Up

Cas pulled himself out of bed and rubbed the back of his neck, his aunt was going on a business trip. He checked his phone, " _Shit_." He muttered under his breath, he ran his fingers through his hair, it was already 12:30 p.m.. "Hey Cas~" Dean yelled as he came through Cas's door. Cas jumped and held his arms close to his bare chest, he closed his eyes. "What the hell, Dean?" He opened his eyes and seen Dean eyeing him up and down. Cas cocked his head and stared at Dean, "Sorry man, I didn't mean to scare you." He laughed and Cas stared at him, unamused. "And I figured you would be awake." Cas shook his head, "I'm sorry to disappoint. I'm going to take a shower, " Cas ran his hands through his bed head again, "You can stay in here, I won't be long." Dean nodded and Cas walked into his bathroom. What was Dean doing here? After last night, Cas wondered why he was here. Holding Dean's hand and feeling his arms around him was something amazing, Cas knew Dean would never like him in that way, he had Lisa and they were perfect for each other, Cas was nothing compared to her.

Dean sat on Cas's bed, and looked through his notebook with all of his drawings, poems, and random lyrics. He closed his eyes, his best friend was in so much pain and he never knew. Cas felt so alone, sad, worthless, but Cas isn't worthless. Cas is everything to him, he was amazing, loving, and cared so much for him when Dean should have been more caring to him. Dean shook his head and placed the notebook down, he felt awful. "Hello Dean." Cas's deep voice echoing slightly. Dean looked up to see Cas in a towel, his dark hair a mess, Dean bit his lip slightly, he looked up into Cas's sad, blue eyes and smiled. "Hey Cas, hurry and get dressed." Dean said. _You can stay like that too, if you want._ Dean quickly pushed the thought away. "Hey Cas, get ready, you, me, and Lisa are going out to eat." Cas nodded. _Ring. Ring._ Dean got a message from Lisa saying, " _Hey, I'm sorry I can't go, gotta work. Wouldn't want to be a third wheel anyway (;_ " He knew she was joking but that still made him blush slightly. Cas walked out of the bathroom while putting on his favorite blue sweater, "Turns out it's just gonna be us." Cas nodded and they walked out the door.

"Would you rather just get some burgers and go back to our spot by the lake?" Dean asked, and Cas nodded, he smiled at him. Cas was looking out the window, "Remember what I said, Cas." He said, Cas looked down, "Yeah, I remember." He looked at Dean with sad eyes, "I'll come talk to next time but I don't want to annoy you or..." He looked back down, Dean smiled at him, "You could never annoy me." They smiled at each other and Dean felt his heart flutter.

They arrived by the lake and ate their burgers, they talked and laughed. Seeing Cas smile genuinely (which is only something he did around him and Lisa) made Dean happier than his first kiss with Lisa. "I think Lisa is wanting to set you up with one of her friends." Dean said, making Cas choke on his burger. "What?" Dean furrowed his eyebrows, "What Cas, not interested in girls?" Cas stayed quiet. Dean looked over at him, "Oh." Dean said then smiled. "I didn't want to tell you and make it weird." Cas said, crumbling his burger wrapper, "Don't worry about it man. I don't think I'm fully straight either." Cas looked at him, with his head turned to the side, "Really?" Dean looked out at the water, feeling the slight breeze, "Really- and your the only one that knows that." Dean looked at him and smiled. They sat in silence for a moment, "You know, your secrets safe with me." Cas said, then looked at Dean. He nodded, "I know."

Dean got a call from his dad, he had to go help him, so he took him home. There was a part of Cas that had taken over. Cas was in love with Dean. Cas ran up to his bedroom and put on some music, he needed to stop this thought, just because Dean likes both men and women doesn't mean he will give Cas the light of day.

Around 10 p.m., Castiel's phone began to blow up. He grabbed it and looked at the messages; they were saying:

 _Faggot._

 _Kill yourself._

 _Worthless piece of shit._

 _Go kill yourself faggot._

Cas held his hand over his mouth, his eyes began burning and his vision got blurry. How'd they get his number? The messages wouldn't stop and Cas couldn't take it anymore, he chunked his phone against the wall and yelled, shattering the phone. His breathing was heavy, it was silent. He backed against his wall and slumped down, not being able to control his tears anymore. He sat with his head in his hands, crying uncontrollably. All of the sudden, Dean busts through the door, seeing him slumped against the wall, he ran to him, "Cas- Cas!" He said, he brought Cas into his arms and let him cry on his shoulder. Cas grabbed onto him and kept him close, this was the first time he has been held like this, the first time anyone has cared. Dean kissed Cas's forehead and continued to stroke his hair.

"Why do you care for me?" Cas asked, head on Dean's shoulder, Dean grabbed Cas's chin, "Because you're amazing, Cas, more amazing than you'll ever know." Dean wiped away one of Cas's tears. Cas knew he couldn't push his feelings away anymore, he was in love with Dean, he couldn't deny it anymore. "Thank you, Dean." Cas sniffled. Dean kissed Cas's forehead again in reply. _I love you, Dean, I know I'll never have a chance but being around you is good enough. I love you, Dean Winchester._


	4. Chapter 4- Hurt

_**A/N: This part gets really dark really quickly.**_ * _ **TRIGGER WARNING**_ _ *****_

"Castiel~" Aunt Katherine yelled from the front door. "I'm home and guess who's with me!" Castiel walked in, his head to the side, what Dean calls the "confused kitten". Cas never understood why, he doesn't look like a cat. "I didn't expect you to be home so soon, I'm surprised." He looked into her honey colored eyes, and looked at her honey brown hair. "You know how I've been in a custody battle?" She asked, Cas nodded. "Well I finally won!" She yelled and moved from the door way, "Heya Cassie!" Gabriel yelled, throwing himself into Castiel's arms. "Gabe!" Cas wrapped his arms around the shorter one. Katherine began wiping her tears, they've been fighting for months and she finally got her son back. They let go, "It's been so long since I've seen you." Gabe smiled, "I know! How are you doing Cassie?" Gabe asked, his eyes filled with concern. "I'm doing good." Cas smiled reassuringly and he nodded. "You'll have to meet my best friend Dean Winchester and his little brother Sam, they're really great." Gabe sighed, "So Dean-O and Samantha?" He laughed and opened up a sucker. Cas cocked his head and furrowed his eyebrows. Gabe shrugged and walked upstairs.

"Heya Cas." Dean answered his phone. "Hello Dean." Cas said, "You should come over and bring Sam. My aunt Katherine finally got her son, Gabriel, back and I want you to meet him."  
"We'll be there in a jiffy."

"Hello Dean, Sam." Cas smiled and let the Winchester boys in. Dean hugged Cas and walked in. He felt a blush spread across his cheeks. "Gabriel," Cas yelled, "get in here!" The small 15 year old slides through, "Dean-O," he looked up at Sam, "and Samsquatch. Holy sh-"  
"Language Gabe!" His mom yelled.  
Gabe rolled his eyes, "Nice to finally meet Cas's boyfriend and his brother." He smiled and Cas put his head in his hands, feeling the blush spread across his cheeks. "Gabriel, he's not m-" Gabriel put his hand up as to shush Cas, "I understand Cassie." Dean knitted his eyebrows, "Cassie?" He asked. Cas shook his head. "Yeah..." Gabe said, "What do you call him?" Dean shrugged, "Cas." Gabe shrugged back. "So Samsquatch, I know you probably haven't been here that much so let me give you the grand tour!" Gabe grabbed Sam's arm and started running. Dean smiled, "He's a handful isn't he?" Cas laughed, "You have no idea." Cas nodded towards the kitchen, and they started walking.

"Hey Dean!" Katherine walked over and hugged him. "I'm glad you came." Dean stood close to Cas, closer than normal. "Hey Kath." Cas looked over at him and smiled, his eyes soft. "Umm Cas, why don't you guys go ahead and go upstairs, I'll call you when foods ready." She smiled and nodded, so they headed upstairs.

When they got in his room Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder, "Hey man, you okay?" Cas smiled, "Yeah, I feel good. Better now that your here." Dean smiled and his eyes were soft. They sat there for a moment, staring into each other's eyes -as they often do- when they were interrupted but Gabriel and Sam, "And you said he wasn't your boyfriend." The two boys laughed, "What would Lisa say Dean? What would Lisa say?" They laughed some more while the other two rolled their eyes.

They continued to talk to Sam and Gabriel until Katharine was yelling that it was time to eat. They ate and had a good time, Cas actually enjoyed himself. When it was time to say goodbye, Dean pulled Cas aside. "Hey man, remember, talk to me next time you feel that way. Your the greatest friend I've ever had. Don't ever change, Cas." He put his hand on Cas's shoulder and pulled him into a hug. "Thank you, Dean."

Cas stayed in the kitchen to help Katherine clean up. "So you and uh, Dean huh." She said with a smile. "What about him?" She laughed a little, "Do you have something to tell me, Castiel?" She said, nudging him slightly. Cas blushed and shook his head, "He has a girlfriend." Kath smiled, "Cassie, you can tell me." She stared at him and his blush deepened. "Yes, Katherine. I'm gay." She kissed his cheek, "Thank you for telling me, now go after him. I know how you look at him and I know how he looks at you. He's hot, young, and wants you Castiel. Go for it." Cas was blushing furiously, "Thank you for the talk. I-uh I'm done here so, uh, I'm gonna go in my room. Thanks for dinner." He said then stumbled out of the room, flustered.

 _Happiness only lasts for so long, the smile you carry can only hold for a few good hours, minutes, even seconds. Then, you feel it, no stopping it. The anger, self-hatred, and depression will always return, even when you don't want it to, you feel like you want to scream and you want everyone to hear, but your afraid for someone to hear, and the people who do hear you, won't care. Either way you feel as though your screaming is pointless._ Cas thought as he stared blankly at his wall, he sighed. He curled into a ball on his bed, he had no strength to do anything else. He sat up and bit his lip, his wrists and the tips of his fingers were itching like crazy. He just sat in silence, resisting the urge to scream at the top of his lungs. He walked to his bathroom and pulled the little blade out of his cabinet, he pulled up his sleeve and stared at the scars. He felt empty. He took the blade and put the cool metal against his skin, slowly dragging it across, making sure he felt it, making sure he felt the pain, making sure he could still feel something. Tears rolled across his cheeks, what was he doing? Why was he doing this? He didn't know. But hell, he wished he knew, all he did was let people down. Right now, he's letting Dean down, he let his parents down, he let himself down, and it was only a matter of time before he let his aunt down. Lyrics came through his head:

 _What have I become_  
 _My sweetest Friend_  
 _Everyone I know_  
 _Goes away_  
 _In the end_  
 _And you could have it all_  
 _My empire of dirt_  
 _I will let you down_  
 _I will make you hurt_

He looked down at his arm, six new lines were there, and they burned, they stung. He watched as the blood slowly dripped onto his bathroom floor. He dropped the blade in the sink, and began cleaning up the mess. After that he sat down, he was so angry with himself, he wanted to throw everything across his room but he couldn't. He stood up and turned on the water, undressed, climbed in and quietly sang _Mama, I'm Coming Home_ by Ozzy Osbourne, a song his mother use to sing to him when he was upset. He would call Dean afterwards, to talk to him. _No, don't._ He fought himself mentally. _He doesn't care and you know it._ Cas closed his eyes and let the water hit him, he was terrified. He was unsure of what he was capable of doing, next time could end up being the last.

The next day, Cas could hardly look Dean in the eye without becoming sick with guilt. Cas put his books in his locker and shut it, only to find Dean behind it. Cas jumped, "Cas, what's wrong?" He said. He shook his head, "Nothing's wrong, Dean. Why do you ask?" He asks, still not looking him in the eyes. Dean rolled his eyes, "Look at me, Castiel." Cas sighed and looked at him, his eyes began burning, "I'm sorry." A small whisper escaped. Dean's expression softened, "Cas..." he said softly. He came closer, "I told you to come and talk to me." Cas looked down, "I couldn't face you-" Dean cut him off, "It doesn't matter." He said sternly. "I knew you would be disappointed in me..." he said, then bit his lip. "I'm not disappointed, Cas, I'm just- I'm just sad. I care for you so much, I don't want you hurting yourself." Lisa came up behind him and brought him into a kiss, Cas looked down, seeing that hurt him more than it should. "Hey baby." Lisa said, Cas rolled his eyes slightly, hoping they didn't notice. "Hey Lis." She raised an eyebrow, "Okay." She looked at Cas, slightly annoyed, ever since he came in, Lisa hasn't seen Dean as often and she blames it on him. "You just gotta talk to me, Cas. Please." He said, Cas nodded softly, "Bye Dean." Cas said, he turned around and quickly walked away.


	5. Chapter 5- Fight Me, Winchester

Cas sat by the lake in the same spot where Dean had hugged him and comforted him. It wasn't that Castiel didn't care, he just didn't think Dean would. Cas stood up quickly, he heard the purr of the impalas motor, he ran and hid behind a tree. Dean walked through, by himself, and began talking. "Mom, I know what your probably thinking right now," he said with a slight laugh, "'Dean, what are you doing?'" He made air quotes. "Honestly mom, I have no idea. I want to help Cas so badly but he won't let me, I know he thinks I don't actually care but, God damn, I do, I care so much." He rubbed his face. Cas lowered his head, does he really care... _that_ much? Cas sighed softly. "What about Lisa also?" He shook his head, "She's not the one I'm in love with..." he paused, "And dad's a _fucking_ mess again, he's gone all the time, and when he's home, he's drunk. I- I'm scared, mom. For me and Sammy." His voice wavered. Cas felt his eyes burn, Dean's life wasn't as perfect as Castiel thought and Cas just added more stress. Cas moved slightly, causing a stick to break. _Shit_. "Who's there?" Dean yelled. " _Son of a bitch_..." Dean muttered. Cas walked out, "I'm sorry, Dean..." Cas said, looking down, not being able to make eye contact. He looked up to see Dean still walking towards him, his beautiful green eyes looking sad. Dean looked down, "Don't be," he said, "I'm glad your here." He smiled sadly and looked up, Cas began walking to Dean and pulled him into a hug, Dean wrapped his arms around him tightly.

Dean felt his heart break when he seen Cas walk out. Cas wouldn't even look at him, Dean couldn't see those perfect, sad eyes. He couldn't stop himself from pulling Cas into a hug, he really needed one.

"So..." Cas said softly, "would you like to talk about any of that?" He asked. Dean shook his head, "You're the one who really needs to talk." He watched as Cas stared into the water. "Cas, buddy, I know talking isn't really your thing and your 'people skills' are 'rusty'," He did the air quotations, "but you gotta tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours." Cas sighed, "I can't handle it, Dean." Cas looked at him and Dean felt a pang in his heart, he looked so sad, so hurt. Dean wanted to wrap his arms around him and keep him there, to stop anybody from hurting him, including Cas himself. But Dean couldn't, no matter how much he actually wanted to. "You mean so much to me, I only care for three people in this world and that's you, Sammy, and Bobby, you know that and I can't imagine loosing you because it would be worse than-" He stopped himself and looked down, Cas put his hand on Dean's shoulder, "Worse than what, Dean?" He asked, taking another step closer. Dean shook his head, there was a knot in his throat, "Than her." His voice wavered. He looked up into Cas's eyes and his eyes quickly flicked to his lips, then back up to his eyes. He thought about pressing his lips to Cas's, just to feel his little angels lips on his but, this time he couldn't shake the feeling. "You'd be so much better without me." Cas said, lowering his hand. Dean looked him in the eyes, "Don't you dare say that Cas. Don't you dare say that I would be better without you because I wouldn't." Cas closed his eyes and shook his head slightly, "I'll just let you down again." He said, looking at the ground. "You've never let me down." Cas yanked up the sleeve of his blue sweater, and looked at him, Dean's eyes widened and his mouth opened slightly, his heart felt like it was cracking, "I let you down six times, Dean. Six. Because I'm _fucking worthless."_ He paused for a moment, "Everything that has happened to me was all my fault. Because I'm not good enough and I can't do anything- _anything_ \- right." Dean clenched his jaw, Cas's face softened, "I'm afraid I might kill myself, Dean." Dean's heart shattered, he felt as if he couldn't move. His best friend, the man he was in love with, wants to kill himself. Without thinking, Dean grabbed Cas by the sweater and pulled him close to his face, "I don't ever want to hear you say something like that ever again. You have no idea- no _fucking idea_ \- about how much I really care." He said through gritted teeth, and slowly released his grip on Cas, his bottom lip quivering. "I'm sorry, Cas." He said softly, "Promise me that next time you will talk to me, because I truly care." Cas shook his head lightly, "No... I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." He looked up at Dean with sad eyes, "Damn right you shouldn't have." Dean smiled softly, putting his hand on Cas's shoulder. Cas pulled him into an embrace, Dean was kind of surprised about the strength he actually had, "Thank you." Cas said softly, feeling a warm tear roll down his cheek.

Dean walked in his house with Cas following directly behind him. "Sammy!" Dean yelled, "He's probably over with Gabriel." Dean turned around and smiled, "That means we're home alone." Dean said, then winked, a blush spread across Castiel's cheeks and nose. "What are you implying?" Cas said awkwardly. "That means, we can watch all the movies, listen to loud ass music, and basically do anything we want." He wiggled his eyebrows, the blush on Cas's cheeks spread. Dean liked to watch Cas's movements, as weird as that sounds, its true, his movements were sometimes graceful but mostly clumsy. Dean watched as Cas looked down and began walking to Dean's couch. As he got closer to the couch, Dean stuck his foot out to trip him onto the couch, but with one quick move; Cas grabbed Dean, sending them both crashing on the couch, then laughing. He was on top of Cas. He could feel a strong blush spread across his cheeks. Dean watched as Cas's eyes flicked from his lips, then back to his eyes. Their faces were inches apart, both had stopped laughing, Cas licked his bottom lip, just as Dean was ready to close the gap, they heard a yell, "And you guys say you're not dating, psh! What a joke!" It was Gabriel. Cas quickly pushed Dean off of him, Dean landing on his back, knocking the breath out of him slightly, " _Son of a bitch._ " He said, closing his eyes. "I- nothing happened- nothings happening!" He heard Cas yell at Gabe. "Yeah, just like there's nothing going on between John and Sherlock." Dean opened one eye to look at Cas, he was as red as a tomato and Dean couldn't help but chuckle. "I don't understand that reference." Dean sat up, probably just as red. He looked at Sam, a mischievous smile spread across his face. Dean narrowed his eyes, "Don't you dare." He said. Cas and Gabe both looked at Dean, puzzled. Sam winked and started to sing at the top of his lungs, "DEAN AND CAS SITTING IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G- AH!" He shrieked as Dean came running at him, full speed. Dean grabbed Sam, put him in a headlock, and then started giving him a noogie. Sam hit him in the gut hard, escaping from his grasp, then running to hide behind Cas. _Another excuse to be on Cas_. He smiled and laughed evilly, Cas stood up quickly, keeping Sam behind him, "Fight me, Winchester." He held his arms up, Dean outstretched his arms, "Fight me, Novak." Gabe stood by Dean, "You get Cas and I get Sam." He said, and Dean nodded in agreement. The boys charged at each other. This time, Cas was on Dean, which Dean found to be more pleasing than him on top. "How did you manage to do that?" Dean asked, Cas put Dean on the ground quickly and cleanly. How can he manage to do that but not walk correctly? Cas blushed slightly, "I took some classes."


	6. Chapter 6- Tear Stained Piano Keys

Cas loved being in Dean's room, despite the mess covering his desk. All of his band posters hung across his walls, Cas's favorite was an Ozzy Ozbourne poster from his album, No More Tears. That album had Mama, I'm Coming Home on it; he always looked at it and smiled. "You like Ozzy?" He asked, Cas turned to look at his green eyes, "Somewhat," He said, he looked down, "Mama, I'm Coming Home is one of my favorite songs." Cas looked back at the poster, Dean walked over to him and began singing:

Times have changed

Here I come but I ain't the same

Mama I'm coming home~

Cas laughed a little, and Dean started poking Cas's sides, singing more of the song. "Dean." Cas threatened through giggles. "What are you gonna do, Novak?" Dean asked, poking Cas's sides. "I'm gonna beat you up. Kick your nice little ass." He said. Dean stared at him, "Cas, my ass isn't little, I take great pride in this ass and I don't want it kicked. Though thank you for saying it was nice." Dean chuckled and Cas rolled his eyes but smiled. "I'll still kick your ass." Cas said with a smile, Dean nodded, "Mmhmm sure." Cas turned around to look at KISS poster when he felt a hand smack his rear. He jumped and quickly looked at Dean, his cheeks growing extremely hot. Dean had a surprised look on his face, "Cas..." He said, "You actually have a great ass." Cas cocked his head to the side, his eyebrows knitting together, "Why are you so surprised?" Cas felt his rear, it was nice but he didn't see the big deal about it. "I'm with you all the time and I have never seen you work out." Cas continued to stare, "When you're with Lisa, I go out for runs and when I can't sleep, I sometimes do other workouts. Back in my hometown, I was on a swim team, I freestyled, one of the best in the state." Dean stared at him, "How did I not know about this?" He asked, looking offended. Cas shrugged, "The subject never came up. I could show you some of my medals and pictures if you would like." Dean's lips curled into a smile, "Oh yeah, I want to see them." He started laughing a bit, "Did you have to wear a spedo?" He laughed some more. Cas shook his head, "No, I wore jammers." Dean's smile dropped. "Though they were tight, they were very comfortable." Dean started walking to the door, "I really want to see this." He said, and Cas followed behind him.

"Man Cas, you must have been really good and I know I've seen you shirtless before but I never realized that you were so fit." Cas nodded, looking at the pictures of his swim team. "Ever try to go after any of these guys?" Dean asked, looking at all of the guys, then winking at him. Cas looked at them, he had dated one, Gadreel, but he ended up dumping him for Ezekiel. "Actually, Dean, I have had a boyfriend." Dean looked at him, "Why didn't you tell me about him?" He said, looking through more pictures. "You didn't know I liked men then and I didn't want to make you uncomfortable." Dean nodded. Cas pointed to Gadreel, the taller blonde guy. Dean gave a "not bad" nod, Cas only smiled slightly. "What happened between you?" Dean said. He shrugged his shoulders, "I wasn't good enough, broke up with me for Ezekiel." Dean shook his head, "You deserve someone better than that asshat." He looked at Gadreel and pulled a disgusted face. "We were together for two years, we did a lot together, pretty much everything, then he became distant and that's when I knew that he wasn't mine anymore. A few days later he broke up with me and started dating Ezekiel. He didn't even try to hide it when we were together, he got mad when I didn't want to kiss him, hug him, hold his hand, or really look at him." Cas said plainly. "Then why didn't you dump his ass?" Dean asked. "Because I had hoped that he would change... I had hoped that the two years hadn't gone to waste." Cas said sadly, looking down. "Castiel," they looked to see his aunt, "Can you start dinner?" Cas nodded, stood up and began walking down the stairs.

Katherine stopped Dean from leaving, "Dean, I must speak to you." She motioned for him to sit down on his bed. "Whaddya need, Kath?" Katherine sat beside him a sad look on her face, "This is about his parents. Okay?" Dean nodded, "What about them?" He asked. "Try not to bring up his mother or some of his past too much, I know it seems odd to ask of you but please not his mother, maybe later but not now." Dean nodded slowly, slightly confused. She sighed, "I'll explain; his mother was still alive after the crash but she wasn't." Dean looked at her, confused. "What do you mean?" He asked. She looked down, clearly upset. "She couldn't move, couldn't speak, she couldn't do anything. She lived her last two weeks at home with Castiel and he sat and played the piano for her everyday, and took care of her. When I heard the news, I rushed down to see him, but when I went to see him, he was playing the piano, tears falling from his cheeks onto the keys, and I watched as my sister laid in a bed, not moving, and hardly breathing. Right after he finished the song, he walked over and knelt by her, held her hand, and was whispering to her. Then all I heard was the machine flatlining. Then I watch him as he kissed her hand and then he started bawling, I went in there and he hugged me... he had basically lost everything. His home, his mother, his father... his happiness." The tears in her eyes began falling. Dean rubbed her back softly, "I'm here for Cas now, I'll make sure he's okay. I'll keep him safe." She nodded, "Thank you, Dean." She hugged him lightly. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must clean myself up." She walked out of Cas's room, straightening her royal blue blazer.

Dean flopped back on Cas's bed and started up at the white ceiling, he thought about Cas, about how much pain he is in, and also a little bit about himself. He had always been sure that he like women but now, he wasn't so sure. He was so confused and it didn't make sense, nothing makes sense anymore. Every time he looked at Cas, he felt something, something so warm, and when they touched, it was– it was something. There are no words that could explain it. He's look at guys and thought that they were hot, and was curious, but he was told by his father that being a "faggot" was wrong and he would burn in hell if he was one. Dean looked over and looked at Cas's piano, he stood up and walked over to it, Cas had been writing a song titled, "For You". The keys on the piano seemed odd, the little tear stained keys meant so much, but were small. He looked at his desk, drawings covering paper, a man with wings holding another man. Cas could draw, play the piano, was really smart, and could swim, he was talented, good at pretty much anything he tried.

"Hello Dean." Dean jumped and looked at Cas, "Jesus Christ! Cas you scared me." Cas smiled slightly, closing the door behind him, "I'm sorry." Dean narrowed his eyes, "Nope, you aren't." Cas gave him the confused kitten look, "But I am...?" He said. Dean shook his head, "No you're not." Cas nodded softly, "Yes I am." Dean smiled and nudged him softly, "No you're not." Cas shook his head and nudged back, "You're right, I'm not sorry, Dean." Dean gasped, "I knew it!" Dean crossed his arms and fake pouted, "Don't be that way, Dean." Cas said, bumping into Dean softly, he went back, landing on his desk, exaggerating the hit he took. Cas stared at him, his eyes wide, then a mischievous smile came to his lips. He quickly bound Dean's wrists to the table with his hands, "Oh Cas, I get all tingly when you take control like that." Dean said, in a slightly flirtatious tone, which he didn't realize it. "Get use to it." Cas has never been this forward, it kind of turned him on. Dean looked at Cas's lips, then his eyes. The eyes that once looked so sad, didn't look so sad, they looked like a predators eyes when they look at their prey. Dean had never wanted anyone like this, but Cas was different. Dean liked different. This wasn't the same safe Cas, the Cas who was so shy and awkward, this wasn't cute Cas, this was sexy Cas, forward Cas, confident Cas. "Okay, there's no way you can say this wasn't a gay moment and that nothing's happening!" Cas rolled his eyes. "Really Gabe?" Dean said, then realized that Cas was between his legs. A blush spread across Dean's cheeks. His mind was mush now, all of his thoughts were now about Cas. Cas let go of him and turned around, "Nothing's happening, okay?" Gabe smiled and put his head down, "Sure~" he said teasingly. "You alright there Dean-O?" Gabe asked, humor in his voice. Dean nodded quickly but couldn't say anything, "I-uh- yeah s-sure." Was all he got out, and embarrassed himself more, Sam came up behind Gabe. "Oh my god Cas, what have you done to Dean?" Sam said, then started laughing. "Sh-shut up Sammy!" Dean stuttered, he slapped himself mentally. What the fuck brain? Dean thought. "You broke Dean-O!" Gabe yelled. "Get out. Go away." Cas said lightly, his face in his hands. "Oh yeah, Dean, Bobby said he wants your help at the shop." Dean nodded, "I'll uh, I'll get down there." He said awkwardly, Sam laughed once more and left with Gabriel. "I gotta go Cas." Dean said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I know, see you later Dean." Cas smiled and Dean hugged Dean, Cas's head on deans chest, he wrapped his arms around his back. "Bye Cas." They let go and Dean walked out, closing the door behind him. Dean ran his fingers through his hair, he was so confused, so unsure, so scared. He might have to end it with Lisa.


	7. Chapter 7- Strange

Castiel sat at his piano playing parts of Ramble On by Led Zeppelin. Figuring out how to play it and how to merge it with Traveling Riverside Blues was more difficult than Cas thought it would be. He began to play the beginning–again– when his aunt walked in, "Hello Castiel, some of your mothers things came in today. I figured you'd want to see them." Cas stopped playing and stood up, opening the box. He smiled as he picked up her polaroid camera, her scrapbook underneath of it. He looked at all the film in the box, he was ready to take some pictures already. "Wow, she's had that camera forever." Katherine said, looking at it. "She has." She patted his back, go take some pictures and put them up on your board, in your wallet, just where ever you want them."

She smiled, "I need you to watch Gabe for me, I'm getting called to go to Singapore and I'm not sure how long I'm going to be gone." She looked down. "I wish I could just say with you and Gabe." Castiel smiled reassuringly, "I'll take good care of him." She smiled, "Thank you Cassie. Oh and before I forget," she walked around the box to get closer to Cas, "have you been taking medication?" Her tone serious. Cas looked down, "Somewhat..." he trailed off. She looked at him sternly, "Castiel." She said, "You have to take them and I swear I will call you every morning and every night just to make sure you take them." She had her arms crossed with her eyebrows raised. "Have you taken them today?" She asked. Cas shook his head. "Okay, I'll bring you some tea and you can take them." Her face softened, "Cassie, I know you don't want to take them but I don't want your anxiety or depression taking over." She rubbed his arm, "I know." Cas said, nodding. She smiled sadly and walked out. Cas took his three pill bottles out of his nightstand and opened them up, taking some out he waited for his aunt to come back up.

"Here you go, Castiel." She handed him the glass of tea, "Thank you." He said putting the lids back on the bottles. He popped them in his mouth and took a drink. "When are you leaving?" Cas asked his aunt. She sighed and looked at her watch, "My flight leaves at 5:30 tonight." Cas nodded, "Why don't you go and have lunch? Just you and Gabe, because I know you haven't had much time together." His aunt nodded. "That's a great idea! Thank you Castiel." She smiled and brought Cas into a hug.

"So, I've heard that you and Dean have had some pretty interesting moments." She winked. Cas felt a blush spread across his cheeks, "Dean and I are just friends." He said, not making eye contact. "Yeah, sure 'just friends'." She said then laughed a little, walking out of the room.

Dean held Lisa's hand as they walked by the lake. She stopped and went in front of him, pulling him down for a kiss. When they kissed it felt... wrong, to say the least. He felt as though he was betraying Cas. "I'm glad we went out tonight Dean." Lisa said, biting her lip. She ran her hand across his chest, "I feel like ever since Cas got here you haven't been paying me any attention. It's kind of annoying." Dean stared at her for a moment, the way she said Cas sounded like he was the worst thing in the world, like he was just garbage. He looked away, "He's been going through some stuff, I'm just really worried about him." He said flatly. She rolled her brown eyes and pushed her dark hair out of her face. "It's just Cas." She said then smiled. Dean couldn't help himself, "He's not 'just Cas'. He's my best friend who is dealing with so much shit." He looked back at her, she looked offended. "Whatever." She snapped. "Take me home." She said, pushing him away. "Fine."

"Heya Cas." Dean said, he just dropped off Lisa at her house and decided to call Cas. He listened, his breathing was heavy, "H-hey Dean." He said, he sounded shaken up. "Cas, you okay?" He asked. Cas was letting out silent sobs, "I need you." Dean began driving a bit faster. "I'm right here Cas, it's okay, I'll be there in a moment. Just hold on okay?"

He pulled up into Katherine's driveway and quickly ran into the house, running up the stairs and busting into Cas's room, finding him curled up on his bed. Running to his side, Dean put his hand on Cas's shoulder, "Cas, Cas buddy, look at me." His eyes were wide and his cheeks were tear stained and his wrists red. He threw himself into Dean's arms, crying. Dean rubbed the back of Cas's head and shushed him. "Shh, everything will be okay."

Cas's head was buried in the crook of Dean's neck, he could feel his warm breath on his neck; his breathing slowed down and he wasn't crying anymore. He was curled in Dean's arms and Dean was stroking his back softly. "Are you ready to get cleaned up a bit Cas?" Dean asked softly and Cas nodded. He slowly let go of Cas and rubbed his arm, "I'll get some stuff to clean this up." He looked at his shirt, it had blood on it. Walking into Cas's bathroom, he seen the blade in the sink, blood still on it. He closed his eyes, the image staying in his head; he opened them back up and grabbed a washcloth, wet it down, and walked back to Cas who was sniffling.

"Here we go, Cas, do you want me to lift them up or?" He asked. Cas just nodded, looking down. Dean slowly lifted Cas's sleeve of his dark green sweater to see four cuts, deep cuts, still bleeding. Looked at his wrist, he seen the scars that run across his pale skin, he closed his eyes for a moment then placed the wet rag on his skin, applying pressure to stop the bleeding. "Dean, there aren't words..." he trailed off. Dean shook his head and looked Cas in the eyes, "It's okay Cas, I don't know what your going through but I'm glad you called, I just wish I had gotten here sooner." He smiled sadly. A year ran down Cas's cheek, Dean put his hand on his face and wiped the tear, Cas leaned into his hand and closed his eyes. "Everything's going to be okay." Dean stroked his cheek softly. I'm sorry you have to go through this, I love you Castiel. You have to let me help you. He thought to himself.

Cas was exhausted and he didn't want to be alone, so Dean held him in his arms lightly singing, Mama I'm Coming Home to him, sending him to sleep. Dean slowly fell asleep, cuddling a fragile Castiel, his broken little angel.

Castiel woke up in Dean's arms with his face nuzzled in his chest. He took a deep breath, Dean smelled amazing. The sun was just breaching the surface, creating a soft warm light in his blue, white, and black room. Cas thought to himself, this wasn't a normal thing for "just friends". He knows that Dean has no romantic interest in him it's just, something about last night just felt... different, in a way. The way he held him didn't seem platonic, it felt loving, caring. Dean shifted slightly, pulling Castiel closer to him, their legs were intertwined and Cas could feel Dean's warm breaths in bed head. Cas felt warm in Dean's arms, he felt safe. Cas moved slightly, causing Dean to tighten and bring him back, Cas smiled and breathed Dean in again, he knew he would probably never get this again, so he savored the moment. Dean lowered his hand, it was now on Cas's lower back, loosely. Cas failed to stop the blush from rising up, "Good morning Cas." Dean said, his voice sleepy. "Good morning Dean." Dean stayed silent, his arms still wrapped around Cas, not letting him go. "Dean?" He questioned, his eyebrows knitting together.

Then it hit Castiel. They have school today. He began nudging Dean, he groaned in response, "Dean. We have school." Cas said, worry slightly in his voice. Dean nuzzled his face in Cas's hair, "Let's skip."

"Dean–"

"Shh Cas."

"But–"

"Shh."

Cas groaned, "If I fail my calculus class it's because of you." Dean mumbled in reply, he'd fallen back asleep. Cas breathed in Dean again, "What about Sam?" Dean groaned loudly. "Son of a bitch." He said softly. He removed his arm and rubbed his eyes, "What time is it?" He wrapped his arm back over Cas, probably not realizing what he was doing. Cas began blushing again, "Uhm, if I was able to check, I would." Dean looked down at him, Dean's hair was a mess. Cas smiled at him, and Dean blushed, "I- I'm sorry." He stuttered, letting go of him. Cas turned around and looked at his phone, "It's 7:15." Dean groaned. Again. "Oh yeah," Dean said, "I'm sorry if I squished you last night and I'm sorry for... you know." Cas looked over at Dean, he looked at the freckles across his cheeks and his nose, "It's fine Dean. I'm sorry you seen me the way you did last night..." Deans eyes saddened, "I'm just glad you called me, told me so I could help you." Cas smiled at Dean, I don't want you to see me that way ever again.

Cas stood up and took off his shirt, then throwing it on the ground. He stopped for a moment, "Would you like to shower first or?" Cas asked, stretching then looking back at Dean who was eyeing him up. Cas cleared his throat, Dean jumped he was looking at Castiel's hip bones, Cas turned his head to the side and knitted his eyebrows together, "What are you doing, Dean?" He asked staring at him. Dean got up and threw his shirt off too, "Nothing and yeah, I'll shower first, umm, real quick." Cas looked at his body again, Dean took off his pants, only in his boxers, and Cas watched Dean as he walked into his bathroom. That was strange. Was he... was he checking me out? Cas thought to himself.


	8. Chapter 8- Pie

Cas was laying in the backseat of Baby, waiting for Dean. He had his arm over his eyes, he was attempting to take a nap; then he thought about the backseat and him laying on it... with someone on top... he quickly stopped the thoughts. He shouldn't– _couldn't_ – have thoughts about his best friend like that; though Cas couldn't help it.  
 _Thump thump thump._ Cas jumped up, the sound of Dean knocking on the window made him jump. Dean crawled in and began laughing, "You shoulda seen your face!" Dean said then handed him his hot cocoa. "Dude, it's not even that cold outside." Dean said.  
"Dean. It's 50° outside."  
"Still not cold."  
"Deeaaann~ it's still cold." He said, wrapping his tan coat around him. "I can practically feel you rolling your eyes you assbutt." Dean laughed a little, Cas took a sip of his hot cocoa and moaned. Dean turned around and looked at Cas, a blush across his freckled cheeks. "What?" Cas asked, knitting his eye bites together and looking at all of Dean's freckles. "Is that orgasmic?" Dean asked. Cas handed him the cocoa, Dean took a drink and looked at it, "It is orgasmic." Cas laughed a little and nodded, "Climb back up here." Dean said, waving Cas to get up front, still holding on to Cas's cocoa. Cas flopped over into the passenger seat, "We have to go to the grocery store." Cas said, he looked over, Dean was taking another drink of Cas's cocoa. "Dean!" He yelled. Dean jumped and spilt a little. "Dammit Cas, look what you made me do." They laughed. Cas took his drink back and looked at it with disappointment, "You drank most of it." He said. Dean shrugged and Cas stared at him. Dean stared back, "Don't give me the confused kitten." Cas looked down for a moment, confused. "I don't understand why you insist on saying is a kitten face. I don't resemble a kitten." He looked back to him. Dean smiled at him, shaking his head lightly, "You look like a kitten."

"Hey Dean, can you pick me out some good looking apples?" Cas said, he was peaches. "Sure thing beautiful." Dean said, winked, then lightly touched Cas's back as he walked by, sending chills down. "You guys are so cute together." A small red haired girl said, Cas blushed, "Oh! Uh- thanks but we're not together." The red haired girl blushed slightly, "I'm sorry, I just thought– never mind. My names Charlie." She stuck out her hand, "My names Castiel." He shook it, Dean walked up behind him and put his hand on his back, "And this is Dean." Cas smiled. They shook hands, "I'm Charlie." She said.  
"Wait, haven't I seen you before?" Dean asked, Charlie shrugged. "I have! You're in our lit class!" Dean said. Charlie piped up, "Yeah! Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak." They nodded, "It was so nice meeting you two but I have to go check on Kevin, I think he may have gotten distracted." They said their goodbyes.  
"She was nice." Cas said, putting the apples in the cart. "Yes she was."

"So," Dean said as we climbed into the impala, "what are you making me?" Cas stared at him. "I'm making Gabe a pie." Dean put a hand to his heart, he had a hurt expression on his face, "But Cas, you know pie is my favorite thing to eat." He closed his eyes and shook his head. "If you really want a pie, then get down on your knees and start begging." Dean looked at Cas and winked, "I'll get down on my knees all right." Cas's cheeks began to burn, "Dean!" All Dean could do was laugh. "You have to help me make them now."

"We're going to use my mothers recipe, this will be the best pie you'll ever eat." Cas said, putting on his apron. "Okay, and you need an apron?" He asked, pointing at the "Kiss the Chef" apron. "Yes, I do need it. This is my favorite sweater." Dean rolled his eyes, "All of your sweaters are your favorite." Cas shook his head. "This ones my real favorite. Will you tie this?" Cas turned around, Dean started tying it. "Dean, I swear to god, if you throw flour on me, I will beat your ass."  
"That just encourages me to do it and you know it."  
"Ya nasty."

"So Cas, how are you feeling?" Dean asked. Cas rubbed his palms on his black skinny jeans. _What do I say?_ He thought to himself. "I'm fine." He said finally. "No you're not." Dean looked him in the eyes. He couldn't break the eye contact, Dean knew he _wasn't_ fine. "I'd rather not talk about it right now." Dean smiled lightly, "We can talk about it when your ready." Cas stared into his green eyes, getting lost in them– _brrriiiiinngg_ – Cas jumped, knocking over Dean's glass of water, the glass shattering. "I'm sorry." Dean started laughing, "I'll clean it up, you get those pies ready for my stomach." Cas pulled the pies out and looked at them, his mom would be proud. "Cassie! You made my pies!" Gabe slid in, he was wearing Cas's favorite red fuzzy socks. Cas stared at the socks; Dean laughed, "Nice socks." He said. Gabe looked at him and winked, "Thanks, they're Cassie's." Dean looked over at Cas as if to say, _Really?_ Cas nodded, "Those are my favorite socks, you better take them off or I swear..." Cas said, crossing his arms. "You swear what?" He said sticking his tongue out. Cas narrowed his eyes, "I'll make sure you get no pie or any other sweet." Gabe narrowed his eyes, "You wouldn't dare." Cas nodded, "Oh yes I would." Gabe groaned loudly and began taking them off, "You know, sharing is caring." Cas scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Sharing isn't in your vocabulary." Gabe threw the socks at Cas. "Sassy Cassie is an assie!" Gabe stuck his tongue out then stormed out. Dean busted out laughing, Cas gave him a death glare.  
He slowly stopped laughing, "That's adorable. Cassie with his fuzzy-wuzzy socks." He laughed again. Cas frowned, "You don't get pie anymore." Cas turned his back on him. He heard Dean get up and come behind him, he put his hands on Cas's shoulders, "How dare you take my pie away from me!" He turned him around and put Cas on his shoulder. "Dean!" Cas yelled. "Put me down!"  
"Nope we're goin up the stairs!" Cas squealed. This is platonic. Right?  
Dean threw Cas on his bed, then landed on him. "Dean, you're restricting my breathing." Cas tried pushing him off but he wouldn't budge. Cas whined, "Are you gonna give me pie?" Dean picked up his head from Cas's white sheet and asked. "Yes fine! I'll give you pie!"


	9. Chapter 9- Behind Blue Eyes

She would be so _**disappointed.**_

 _What have you_ _ **become**_ _?_

 _Why are you like_ _ **this**_ _?_

 _What the hell is_ _ **wrong**_ _with you?_

 _When did you become so_ _ **worthless**_ _?_

Cas stared at his white wall, contemplating on ending his life right there. He wasn't crying this time, he couldn't _feel_ anything, he needed to feel, for just a moment. The voices were flooding Cas's head, telling him awful things about himself; they were harsher than before and some of them were about Dean. It was only a matter of time before he hurt him, only a matter of time before he let him down. _Again_.

He pulled his sleeves up of his white button up and looked at the scars and the scabbed over cuts, almost healed. There were so many, he didn't know how this happened, and he didn't understand. _Why is this happening?_ He thought to himself. Was it because it was supposed to be him dead and not his mother? He stepped into his bathroom; before grabbing the blade, he looked at himself in the mirror. He looked into his own eyes, thinking about his old life; his friends, his family, and his ex. Everything was so simple then, he was _happy._ His mother was beautiful, inside and out, the wreck shouldn't have happened. He shouldn't have asked to go.

 _ ***Flashback***_

 _"Cassie!" He heard his mother yell, she wrapped her arms around him tightly. He had just broken up with Gadreel and he was fighting back tears. "Oh Cassie, what happened?" She asked, she was short, long dark hair, and concerned blue eyes. "Gadreel broke up with me." He lied, his voice wavering, her eyes turned sad, "I'm sorry, baby..." She wiped the tear away from his cheek. "He was a dick anyway." She smiled softly and Cas laughed slightly. "He was because he was also cheating on me." Cas closed his eyes, they felt like little waterfalls. This was a few days before the wreck._

 _They sat on the couch, his head on her chest with her softly singing_ Mama, I'm Coming Home _to him, playing with pieces of his hair._

 _The first week of taking care of his dying mother was the hardest. Softly singing all of her favorite songs to her, holding her hand, and feeling like there was a hole in his chest. The only two people who truly cared for him are dead. That's when the cuts began. The first cut was the worst because he could feel her there, he could feel her disappointment._

 _"It's okay to let go, mom. You can go, you don't have to stay here, you don't have to_ _ **suffer**_ _anymore. I'll be okay." He could feel the lump in his throat growing, and he could feel the hot, heavy tears go down his cheeks. He looked at her closed eyes, wishing he could see them again, her happy blue eyes. He brought her hand up and kissed it, then the machine flat lining. She was gone, truly gone. He put his head against her hand and cried. The last shred of happiness he had, was gone._

 _ ***Flashback end***_

He was trying so hard not to punch the mirror so he wouldn't have to see the monster staring back.

Gadreel was a whole other story; Gadreel made Cas feel like he was the only person on the planet, Gadreel made Cas feel wonderful. Little kisses, long, warm hugs, and he made Cas feel special. But then swim started, Ezekiel came in and then everything went downhill. He slowly stopped saying, "I love you" and quickly stopped hanging out with him. It had been because Cas wasn't good enough. Cas sighed, his happiness had disappeared in the blink of an eye.

 _ ***Flashback***_

 _Gadreel pulled Cas into a sweet embrace and softly kissed his cheek, Castiel stiffened. This was the first time he had touched him in two weeks. "What's wrong, Castiel?" He asked, letting go of him. Cas knew about Ezekiel because he had seen it himself. "Nothing." Castiel said plainly. Gadreel rolled his eyes, "Fine." Gadreel walked over to Zeke and started "talking" with him. Touching his sides lightly and laughing._

 _Cas took a deep breath and walked into the men's bathroom, he splashed water on his face. "Hey Cassie~" Zeke stepped behind him, "You know, your boyfriend and I have a very special date tonight. Wait- did I say that he was yours? He's mine now." Castiel narrowed his eyes, "Fuck off." Cas said, before he could stop himself. Zeke laughed, "Come again? Are you trying to defend yourself?" Zeke laughed, "That's cute." Zeke shoved Cas. He stared at him, "Leave me the fuck alone." Zeke shoved him again, "What are you gonna do about it? You know, Gadreel has told me so much about you, and that I'm better than you'll ever be. He loves me, not you." Castiel dug his nails into his palms, "Congratulations, again, what do you want? To show me how much of an asshole you really are? Do you have some psychological problem? Maybe a problem at home? Maybe with your dad? Who knows." Zeke threw the first punch, busting Cas's bottom lip open. Cas laughed and wiped his lip, and looked back at Zeke, and threw a punch, knocking Zeke to the ground, and kept hitting him. After four punches, Cas threw his backpack on his shoulder and walked out of the bathroom. "Castiel, what happened?" Gadreel grabbed Cas's arm. "Fuck off. Oh, and you might want to check on your boyfriend in there, he's pretty hurt." Cas jerked his arm away and walked out the school doors, he could miss swim practice that day._

 _ ***Flashback end***_

He looked at the time, it was 7:30 a.m., Dean should be calling soon. "Hey Cas." Dean walked in his room, making Cas jump and jerk his sleeve down. "Jesus you are silent." He said, staring at Dean, his white shirt fit him just right. Dean smiled, "I'm Batman." Sam walked up behind him, he was younger but was certainly taller. "Yeah. You're Batman." He said sarcastically. "Why are you in here, _Sammy_?" Sam gave Dean the "bitchface" and said, "I came to get Gabriel up, and it's _Sam._ " He rolled his eyes and walked off. Dean shrugged, "Why are you sitting here in the quiet?" Cas shrugged slightly, looked down, and raised an eyebrow slightly. "I'm just thinking." He looked back up and licked his lips quickly. Dean would never like him in that way, he just pitied him...

He watched Cas in class, he always looked so focused, it was adorable. Dean looked at Lisa beside him, she bit her lip and winked at him. "I can't wait for tonight." She whispered in his ear. She wanted to have sex, to put it bluntly. He nodded with a smile forming on his lips, he didn't want "just sex", with Lisa, it didn't feel like there was any connection, and Dean wanted more, something different, _someone_ different. He looked over to Cas, who was writing in his notebook, his eyebrows knitted together, he was completely focused. His lips together, his eyes quickly scanning the paper. Dean tore off a piece of paper and wrote, 'Your a dork', folded it, and tossed it on his desk. Cas jumped slightly, opened the note, wrote, and tossed it back. Shaking his head at Dean. He opened it and it said, "You're*. Tend to your grammar, it seems to be off." He looked up, making eye contact with him, then stuck his tongue out.

Lisa brought him into a kiss, she was so amazing at times. "I miss you." She said, wrapping her arms around him. "I miss you too." They were sitting in his room, just the two of them. Dean held back a sigh, he was worried Cas. "What's on your mind, babe. You seem a bit off." She said, looking up at Dean with her chocolate eyes. "Nothing, I'm just kinda worried. That's all." He kissed her forehead. "What are you worried about?" She asked, then put her head on his chest. "Cas, he's just dealing with a lot of crap right now." He could practically feel her eye roll. She let him go and laid on his bed.  
"I _miss_ you, Dean." She said. _Oh. That's just what you want._ "You know, we haven't been doing it in over a month. It's not right." She said, she stood up and began taking her shirt off. "And we're going to, right now. Lock your door." Dean bit the inside of his lip and locked the door. He didn't want to, but he would. He took off his shirt and by her instructions, laid back on the bed.

Cas wasn't feeling too good, his heart was pounding, his head was messed up, and he couldn't control his breathing. He was having an anxiety attack. He was pacing back and forth in his room, messing with his fingers and attempting to control his breathing.  
He began texting Dean, but Dean didn't answer. His aunt got him a new phone, he told her that he had fell on it.

Cas: _Dean, I don't mean to bother you but I need to talk_.

Cas: _Please?_

Both of them we're 10 minutes apart.

Why would Dean care anyway?


	10. Chapter 10- Hopeless

Cas shoved his books in his locker and sighed, today was not a good day at all. Dean had apologized for not replying, which was okay, but something seemed off. "Cas." He heard Lisa's voice. He shut the locker and looked at her, "Yes?" She looked around, "You need to stop hanging out with Dean."

* * *

"I just don't know, Sammy." Dean said. Sam looked down for a moment, Dean was _actually_ opening up to him, it was an October miracle. "Look, Lisa's a bitch and Cas is a great guy, is there really a problem there?" Sam furrowed his eyebrows. Dean shook his head, "No..." He trailed off, "It's just, I've been with Lis for so long, I just don't want it to go to waste." Sam shrugged, "Test things out with Cas and if its not right, then stay with Lisa." Dean stared at him for a moment, "You want me to cheat?" Sam looked around for a moment, he wasn't wrong, technically it's _considered_ cheating, but Lisa didn't have to know because only he would know. Oh yeah, and Gabe, of course Gabriel would know. "I know it might sound like a bad idea, but only for a few days." Dean shook his head. "I'll think about it."

* * *

How was Castiel supposed to do this? How was he supposed to never talk to Dean again, never look at him? Why did he have to ruin everything? All he was doing was adding more stress to Dean, he wasn't doing anything for anyone. He looked over at his medication, they were helping. Slightly. A part of him just wanted to take the whole bottle, every single pill, just drift away.

He zipped up his hoodie and breathed in the cool October air, put his earbuds in, and started stretching; running would help take his mind off of things. "Hey, lookin' good, Cas!" He heard a deep voice yell, it was Dean. He shook his head and just started jogging.

The next day at school, he hardly even spoke to Dean and Dean was catching on. "Cas, what's wrong?" Cas shrugged, "Nothing." Dean rolled his eyes and sighed, "You're an awful liar, you know that, right?" Cas shook his head and continued to grab his books, Dean lightly grabbed his arm. Cas jerked his arm away and looked at Dean, which was a mistake. His beautiful green eyes were filled with hurt. "I- I'm sorry." He choked out. He shut his locker door and turned around, then walked away, ignoring the burn in his eyes.

Cas didn't like ignoring Dean, and being neighbors with him didn't help. Lisa had been texting him, telling him that he's not doing a good enough job. Which made things worse. Dean doesn't need him, Dean doesn't actually _care,_ why would he? Cas wasn't important, he was useless, worthless. He looked at his phone, it was going off like crazy. It was Dean, he had 2 missed calls and 4 messages, he went and looked at the messages

Dean: _Cas, I really need to talk to u, can I call?_

Dean: _it's important._

Dean: _Cas please._

Dean: _I'm coming over w_ _hether_ _u like it or not._

Cas ran his hands through his hair. He was tired, he was so sick of this. He was sick of not talking to him, it was _killing him_.

 _Knock knock._ "Cas? I'm comin' in." It was Deans voice. "Dean–" Cas began, but Dean cut him off with his hand. "I don't want to hear that you're sorry. Again." He looked hurt. Cas wanted to tell him a million times that he was sorry, but that would make things worse. "Just tell me why, Cas." He had to look away from those sad green eyes. "I don't know how to explain myself. I don't know _why_ I listened to her..." he trailed off. He looked back up at Dean who looked confused. "Who?" He asked, moving his head while he said it. "Lisa... but what she told me was true... " Cas stood up. Dean sat there with his mouth open, "Dean, she's only doing what's best for you. I only cause more stress, I'm nothing- I'm _fucking_ worthless–"  
"Cas, stop."  
"No, Dean. I won't. You need a fucking wake up call. You don't need me– you don't _want_ me with you–"  
"Cas–"  
"You're better than me, you need to be with Lisa, she's great. She's perfect for you in every wa—" Cas was quickly cut off by Dean's lips pushed against his.


	11. Chapter 11- The Misadventures of S&G

Sam rolled his eyes, Gabe was trying to convince him that the real Miley Cyrus was abducted by aliens and replaced with a robot. "Dude, there's no way." Gabe took the sucker out of his mouth, "Yes, there is!"

"Hey, Samsquatch." Gabe asked, "Do you think Dean-O would take us to the candy shop?" Gabe asked, "I'm running low." Sam stared at the small teen, "You can go without sweets for a while, or all your teeth are going to rot out of your head. Plus, Dean's with Cas." Gabe raised an eyebrow, "They are so gay for each other." Sam thought about it for a moment and Gabriel was right. "They're hella gay for each other." Sam said looking over at Gabe. Gabe put his hand on Sam's face, "I'm hella gay for you, Samsquach." Sam rolled his eyes, "Dude, no." Gabe fell backwards, with his hand over his heart. He laid there, sprawled across the ground, and acted as if he died. Sam just stared. "What even." He said. "Why must you reject my love?!" Gabe yelled, and Sam just rolled his eyes.

"Dude! Guess what!" Sam came up to Gabe and smiled brightly. "What?" Gabe asked, slightly confused. "I got a date with Jessica!"

 _This caused Operation: Ruin Samsquach's Date Because Only I Can Have Him._

Gabe put the fake mustache on and gelled his hair back, Sam and Jessica were going to dinner and then a movie, but that movie wasn't going to happen.

Gabe walked up to the couple, "Hello, I have the kielbasa your ordered." He said, attempting to do a Spanish accent. Jessica looked up at him, "We didn't order any." The blonde looked confused. "Oh girl," Gabe said, "Your ends look crispy. Probably from dying them so much." Jess looked offended, "You're really going to let him treat me like this?" She looked over at Sam. "Gabe. Stop." He said, with his head in his hands.

"Why should I?" He asked, crossing his arms. Sam glared at him, "How did you even get here?" Gabe looked around. "I have my ways." He looked over at Jessica who was now standing. "I'm leaving. Bye Sam." And stormed out. Sam stood up and ripped off Gabe's mustache.

 _And it was at this moment Gabriel knew_

 _He fucked up._

"Come on! Forgive me!" Gabe yelled, while laying on Sam's floor. "Dude, no. Get out." Gabe stood up and stuck a sucker in his mouth. He walked over to Sam's desk, where he was working, and flopped on the desk. He posed fabulously and said, "Sammy, please! You can't resist me! You can't resist our friendship!" Sam rolled his eyes. "I can. And will."

Gabe laid on Sam's bed, staring at him, it had been three days since he ruined the date and Sam still wouldn't talk to him, which Gabe called bullshit on. "Sam. Sam. Sam. Sammy. Sammy. Saam. Saaam. _Saaaaammmmmyyyyy_ ~" Gabe sang. "What?" Sam said, annoyed. "Forgive me and love me."

"Dude no. Stop."

"You love me, don't even try to lie."

"I'm not gay. I don't go for guys."

"Or so you say, but you love me."

"No—"

"STOP DENYING OUR LOVE DAMMIT!"

Sam groaned loudly. "Fine! I forgive you!" Gabe jumped up, "Finally!" He yelled, "Now say you love me."

"Gabe. No."

 ** _Hello people! I know, this is a short chapter and it's not the greatest but it's kind of a filler, a joke chapter. This is something that I hope you guys enjoy :) see you in the next one. -Glassie_**


	12. Chapter 12- A Deep, Dark Abyss

Cas pushed Dean away, holding his hand to his mouth. His eyes burning, "Cas- I- I'm sorry- I didn't mean–" Cas cut him off by holding his hand up. "Dean, please go." Cas said, dropping his hand. Dean reached out but Cas backed away, "Cas–"

"Stop it." Cas said, the tears had started falling. He knew this wasn't right, he was confused. "Dean, go, please." Cas wiped the tears away with his hands. Dean's eyes began turning bloodshot, "Cas-" His voice cracked. Cas cut him off, his voice harsh, all of his pent up anger was being released, "I don't need you coming in here and confusing me. I'm not a little plaything, okay? I don't want you to just leave me like I'm _nothing,_ because that's what guys like you do, you hurt nothings like me. I can't be hurt again, Dean. No one cares that I'm broken..." His voice trailed off, his throat had a knot in it, and his chin was quivering. "I care." Dean said softly, Cas felt a pang in his chest. "If you do care," Cas said, "then walk out that god damned door and let me think." Cas put his head in his hands and Dean walked out the door, and slammed it shut. Maybe he would end it soon.

He stared into the mirror and saw the horrors. The horrors of which his mind created. His mind was a dark place, filled with his own demons looking for him. It was black, there was no hope, there was no peace, it was just his inner turmoil and signs of his own demise. The creator of all these dark things was hideous, it was a monster. It had created an ending that was tragic to no one else, but him. He had always hoped that someone, someday, would be there and shoot a flare, giving the signal that he wasn't alone in that place, that he would feel hope, but it never happened. His mind was an abyss that he would never escape from. But he realized that he had seen the horrid creator, and it was his own reflection.

He heard the voices get louder, telling him to end it all. They told him that him his story was over, that it needed to end, continuing it would be pointless.

But finally, he felt it. A spark.

There was a soft voice being drowned out by the harsh ones. It said: "I care."

That spark was hope.

Cas could hardly see, he had been crying so hard, but he knew where he had to go.

He looked over and seen the Impala and knew Dean was here. This was Dean's favorite place to go, they would come out here often and hang out. Play some music from the Impala and start a fire, maybe Dean would have a few beers.

He walked through and saw Dean sitting down, looking at the murky water. "Hello Dean." Dean looked up at him, his eyes were puffy. "Hello? Really? That's it?" Dean stood up, he was slightly angry. He then relaxed his shoulders and closed his eyes, "Cas, I shouldn't have kissed you... I should have known that you didn't like me back, I should have-" Cas cut him off by pressing his lips against Dean's. He pulled away, a dark flush appeared on his freckled cheeks. "I'm not good with my words, Dean, but I can't ignore you. I can't not talk to you, not hear about your day, not hear about your jokes, not even hear your voice. I can't go a day without seeing you." Cas laughed a little and put his head in his hands, "I'm so cliche and stupid. I'm sorry..." He lifted his head and gave a sad smile, "I'll leave you alone. You and Lisa are great for each other..." He turned around and began walking away.

"I don't want Lisa."

He stopped and turned around, " _What?"_ Dean smiled and began walking to him, "I don't want Lisa." Cas felt his cheeks warm up, he grabbed Cas's hands, "I found someone better." He laughed a little, "Look who's being cliche now." Cas lightly pushed Dean. "So, what's going to happen with you and Lisa?" Dean shrugged and pulled Cas close and began walking with him, "I don't know yet. Plus, I'm pretty sure she was cheating on me with Todd." Cas looked down, "I'm sorry for ignoring you." Dean smiled, "It's okay, Castiel." Cas felt a shiver go down his spine, he liked it when Dean said his name. "Why didn't you grab a jacket?" Dean shook his head, "C'mon, lets get you some cocoa." Cas brightened.

They walked into Cas's house and went upstairs to his room. "I found my mom's Polaroid camera." Cas said while smiling. He grabbed it and showed Dean, which he took from his hands, "I call this one 'Blue Steel'." He stuck his lips out slightly and took a picture. Once it came out and you could see the picture, Dean handed it to Cas, "Treasure that forever."

Cas and Dean sat on the couch, Cas looked over at Dean, "Can I- can I hold your hand?" Dean laughed a little and grabbed Cas's hand, "Of course."

 _ **I'm sorry this is**_ _ **another**_ _**short chapter, I just didn't want to get too involved with the relationship parts yet. I hope you enjoyed! I'll see you in the next one. - Glassie**_


	13. Chapter 13- It's Time

It was a Saturday morning, and Cas knew Dean was asleep, because Dean's always asleep. So Cas decided to go jump on Dean. He walked into Dean's house and seen Sam making cereal. "Hello Sam." Cas greeted, causing Sam to jump and spill his cereal. "Jesus Christ, Cas! You scared me." Cas furrowed his eyebrows and cocked his head. "I apologize. I didn't realize you didn't hear me come in." Sam rolled his eyes, "Your _boyfriend_ is upstairs." Cas blushed. "Sam, he isn't my boyfriend." He picked up his bowl and walked past him, "Whatever you say, Cas."

Cas snuck into Dean's room, he's scared him on more than _one_ occasion. But seeing how peaceful he looked, a part of Cas wouldn't let him disturb Dean's sleep. He looked at Dean's soft features; his lips, so pink, and so plump, his closed eyes hiding the beautiful emerald seas, his long eyelashes cast a shadow across his freckled cheekbones. He was beautiful. Cas smiled softly, the perfect boy fell for the broken boy, maybe in hopes to fix him, _maybe_ because he truly loved the broken boy. _Hopefully._

"Cas," Dean said, making Cas jump, "how long are you going to stand there?" Dean opened one sleepy eye and looking at Cas with a smile, his dimples showing. He sat up and rubbed his sleepy eyes. Perfect. Cas tackled him, landing on top of him. They began laughing, Cas's arm was around Dean's bare waist, he reached up and ran his hands through Cas's bed head. "Good morning to you too, Cas." Cas loved hearing Dean's sleepy voice, the slight rasp was amazing. The past two weeks have been great with Dean. No one knew about their relationship, which made it difficult to hide it, Cas still wasn't able to talk to Dean. Or even look at him. But he was still with Lisa...

Dean was very loving, you wouldn't expect it from him because of the way he acts. "Cas, hon," Dean said, "will you let me put a shirt on?" Cas shrugged, drawing circles on Dean's chest, "I kinda like you shirtless, it's a nice sight." Cas winked. Dean rolled his eyes, "Mmhmm, sure. Let me up." Cas groaned and rolled off of him.

Cas watched Dean stretch, his muscular back becoming more defined. He wasn't sure _what_ they were to be honest, but Dean was still with Lisa.

 _Why?_

Needless to say, it bothered Cas.

Why was he still with her after _two weeks_ with him? He's had enough time to do it. Dean looked at Cas, a light shimmer in his eyes. Cas smiled lightly, Dean brought him so much happiness but Cas had a bad feeling. An ever growing sadness, pangs in his heart, chest pain, he may feel happy at the moment, but his depression is slowly filling it. Soon, the smiles will be completely depleted, the warmness in his chest is slowly going cold. The feeling made him sick to his stomach. "So what are you gonna do today?" Cas asked, scratching his head, ruffling his hair even more. "I'm gonna take Lis out." Cas looked away and blushed, he was jealous. He looked back up and sat there for a moment, "I have to go study, I have quite a few tests to take next week." He stood up, "Goodbye Dean." He started walking past Dean when he was pulled to him, in a tight, warm hug, then a small peck on his cheek. Cas blushed furiously, "Bye Cas." He looked Dean in the eyes, which was a mistake, it only made his cheeks hotter. Dean looked down at Cas's lips, then flicked back up to his eyes, making his lips tingle. Cas closed the gap and smiled, "Goodbye Dean."

Cas hated how he had that type of control over him. It infuriated him. How can he continue to date her? How can he just do that to her? How could he do that to Cas?

Cas felt his cheek flare up with anger. What could he do? It was killing Cas to see him hold her hand through the hallway, kiss her, take her out to dinner, and blah blah blah. Cas was getting sick of it. But its the price he must pay, destiny was slowing calling him to an endless slumber.

Maybe Dean didn't really want him, maybe he lied. Maybe he actually wanted Lisa. She was pretty and she had a vagina, to put it bluntly.

Cas was just tired. Physically and emotionally. Without Dean around at school, Crowley and Alistair had begun to make his life a living hell. His happiness became a true façade.

But there was a part of Cas that didn't care. It didn't care that Dean was with Lisa, even when he could smell her perfume on him.

He didn't care.

He just wanted Dean, and nothing else. It didn't matter when he was with him, nothing mattered. He loved Dean and everything about him, the way he laughed, the way his dimples formed, his eyes... and Cas hated himself for feeling that way, because he should care.

Cas walked into his room and softly shut the door. He walked to his bathroom and starred into the mirror. Self loathing is a thing that you can't escape from. You look in the mirror and say, "That face can't be real, it can't be mine" because it doesn't seem real, it seems like a nasty trick your mind plays on you.

That face can't be yours, can it?

Before he knew what he had done, he put a new, clean cut across his wrist. He stared in horror for a moment at what he had done. His emotions flooded his brain, he couldn't think, his mind began to panic. He dropped the razor in the sink and watched the blood drip, his hands began shaking, he started breathing rapidly, and his heart was about to beat out of his chest. He was having a panic attack.

He couldn't think, hot tears were falling down his cheeks. He slid down his bathroom door, looking around frantically, searching for something to grab on to. He ran his fingers through his hair, pulling it, trying to stop from screaming. His chest was hurting and he felt like puking.

He looked down at his bloody wrist and decided what he had to do. He had to end it all. It was time.


	14. Chapter 14- Mama, I'm Coming Home(part1)

Cas was laying in his bathroom floor, flat on his back with four new cuts on his bloody wrist. He was past the point of crying, he was past the point of _feeling_ anything.

He thought about all the ways he could end his life. Which ones would be the least scarring for whoever found him, the words in his last known writing, his infamous last words.

"Cas?" He heard a small voice, and his stomach dropped. He shot up, quickly pulling down his sleeve, "Gabe." He looked at the horrified expression on the small boys face. Gabe quickly shut the door and Cas could hear his footsteps run out of his room. He lowered his head and sobbed quietly, what had he done?

* * *

Dean ran his hands through his hair, he was upset. What was he doing? He was just hurting Cas, he was doing exactly what Lisa had wanted him to... even though she never really asked him to, he could just feel it.

He was truly and utterly disappointed in himself. He bit his bottom lip nervously, he had a bad feeling. His bedroom door swung open quickly, "Dean!" Sam came in, breathless, "Something happened with Cas. Gabe ran over and said he was covered in blood." Sam's eyebrows were raised up, he knew this wasn't a prank. Dean shot up and ran past Sam, he knew what had happened.

He banged on Cas's bathroom, "Cas!" He yelled, Sam and Gabe standing in Cas's bedroom doorway, Sam hugging Gabe, who was crying, in attempts to comfort him. "Cas, please, open the door." It was completely silent, besides the heavy thumping his heart was creating. "Dean?" He heard Cas's voice and his chest filled with relief, "Cas, hon, please open the door." More silence. "I ain't leavin' until you come out." He looked down at the doorknob and it made a click sound, unlocking it. He opened the door to see Cas, covered in his own blood, more cuts on his arm. His heart sank.

"Gabe, Sammy, you guys go." Dean said, Sam cocked his head to the side, "Dean we aren't leaving." Dean rolled his eyes, "Leave, now." And the two boys slowly left. His eyes were burning and there was a huge lump in his throat, causing his voice to be shaky. He went over to Cas quickly a kneeled beside him, pulling him into a tight embrace. "What the fuck were you thinking?" He asked softly. He could feel Cas shaking, Dean let go of him and looked him in the eyes, "Please, say something." Cas moved away from him and stood up, there was about six or seven new cuts on his wrist.

Dean was scared, Cas wouldn't say anything to him, he just stayed silent, even after he cleaned him up. He was just staring blankly at the wall behind Dean. Dean grabbed Cas's hand, who didn't grab back, and spoke softly, "Cas, please say something. Anything." He looked up at Dean with sad eyes and said, "I don't wanna live anymore."

 _ **Yes, this is a two parter and yes, things are a-happenin, and not in a good way. I hope you'll enjoy this two parter because I know I will. (**_ ❁ _ **'**_ ◡ _ **'**_ ❁ _ **)**_ ✲ _ **-Glassie**_


	15. Chapter 15- Part 2

Cas hadn't been alone for the last three days and he felt as though he were dying. He had hardly ate or drank anything, he felt weak.

Dean didn't seem to get the fact that he needed to let go of him.

"Hey Cas, I gotta go take Lis to her cheer practice, Gabe's gonna be here with you." Cas felt his cheeks flare up. "She can herself, Dean. She's completely capable of doing so herself." He turned around from his piano to look at Dean, who was looking down. "Look, Cas, I don't expect you to understand but-"

"Oh?" Cas stood up, "You don't expect me to understand why you are still in love with her? Because you have history with her? I went through the same Goddamned thing. Let go." Dean looked surprised. "What are you saying, Cas?" Cas ran his hands through his hair, "What the fuck do you think I'm saying?"

" _Cas_ -"

"Leave me alone." Cas said and turned away from him, laying down. He could feel Dean roll his eyes, "Fine." He felt Dean stand up, and slam the door as he walked out, making him flinch. He closed his eyes and tears fell onto his pillow. In a fit of rage, he threw the pillow at the door, making a loud bang. He looked over at his pills on his nightstand, and thought about what he was going to do.

* * *

Dean sighed as he climbed into his car, he fucked up. He bit his lip, thinking about what Cas was saying, and Cas was right. Dean had no reason to be with Lisa. He should, hell, needs to be with Cas. This was truly ridiculous. He just needed a ride to clear his head. He pulled out his phoned and called Lisa, "Hey, Lis, I'm sorry. I can't pick you up." She huffed and he pulled his car over, "I always try to spend time with you. You're such a selfish prick, ever since _Asstiel_ showed up, it's like you've completely forgotten about me." Dean pinched the bridge of his nose, "Don't talk about him like that." He could feel his cheeks burn in anger and she scoffed, "He's a nothing, Dean, and I'm a something." He took a deep breath, stay calm, Dean, stay calm. He told himself. "You know what Lisa, he's something to me. Hell, he's everything to me." He heard her huff, "What the fuck? I should be everything to you, Dean!" Dean rolled his eyes, this was it, "Well, you aren't. And you know what? You're the selfish one, I know what you told him to do so you could have me for yourself. It's done, Lis, fuck this. And more importantly, fuck you." He hung up the phone and flung it at the passenger seat.

The years they had been together, down the drain. He was drowning in waves of emotions, he felt relief, sadness, anger, and worry. He rubbed his face and took a deep breath, his heart was hurting. Asstiel. He knew that Crowley was still picking on him but he didn't know Lisa was... he knew that Cas was lying when he told him that the bullying had mostly stopped, when Cas was ignoring him, the bullying must have gotten worse.

This was all too much for him.

He had a horrible gut feeling, he knew something terrible was going to happen.

 _Bzzt. Bzzt. Bzzt_. His phone was ringing, he looked at the ID and it was Cas. He quickly answered, "Hey Cas, everything okay?" He asked. He started hearing sniffling, "Yeah..." Cas trailed off, "Dean, I just want to say... goodbye." His voice was cracking. Dean's heart sank, "C-Cas, what?" There was no answer. " _Goddamnit_ , Castiel! Answer me!" He heard Cas's silent sob. "I know that this will be hard for you, Dean, but it's all going to be over soon. I'll see my mom again. I'll be happy again." Cas said through sobs. Dean was frozen, Cas sighed, "Mama, I'm coming home." Dean's eyes were burning, he didn't know what to do. "Dean, I- I love you." Then Cas hung up.

Dean doesn't remember much after that, just seeing Cas's body, pill bottle in hand, going pale. He yelled for Gabe to call an ambulance, as he put his fingers down Cas's throat, trying to make him vomit up the medication he had took.


	16. Chapter 16- Douchebag

Cas had just been released and Dean had begun to shower him with gifts. His favourite snack here, some hot cocoa there, little surprises, it never ended.

"Dean, babe," Cas said, sitting down on his bed, Dean turned to look at him, a look filled with love and interest, "Yes?" He grabbed Cas's hand and softly rubbed it. "You don't have to give me all of these things, you know." Dean shrugged, "But I want to, so I will. I want to make you feel like you're on top of the world." Cas cocked his head and put his eyebrows together, "You know, I never understood why that was a saying. Technically the top of the Earth is just ice and water, you'd be freezing and you'd probably drown or die from hypothermia in such-" Cas was cut off by Dean's lips, after Dean pulled away, Cas said, "And that was just a nice way of shutting me up."  
"Yup."  
"Assbutt."  
"I'm not afraid to attack you if you keep calling me names like that." Dean threatened. Castiel smiled mischievously, "I might like that." Dean smiled back, "Oh would you?" Cas nodded and grabbed Dean's collar, pulled him close and gave a soft kiss that lingered on his lips, then pushed him away. Cas laughed and Dean pouted, "You tease." Cas smiled proudly at Dean, his eyes were closed and he was unprepared for the attack. Dean tackled him and began kissing him all over, his neck, collarbone, cheeks, forehead, it didn't matter. Cas, kept trying to push him off but the giggles made all of the strength leave his body. Dean stopped placed one last kiss on his lips. Dean pulled away and looked into his eyes, he brought up his hand to touch Dean's soft, yet whiskery face. "I love you, Dean Winchester." Dean smiled and closed his eyes, "I love you too, Castiel Novak." Castiel smiled largely and Dean looked at him, "Goddamn, you are so cute." Dean said as he nuzzled into Cas's neck and kissed it softly. "Look who's being the tease now."

Dean held Castiel's hand and touched it softly. "Cas?" Dean said softly. They were sitting on the couch watching TV. "Yes?" He looked up at Dean. "Are you a virgin?" Castiel tensed, "Uh, no. I'm not. And I prefer to not talk about it." Dean's cheeks grew hot, a part of him was jealous. "I don't like to think about it. " Dean nodded, "I understand." Castiel nodded back. "I know you're not a virgin." Dean sighed. "Yeah, I'm not. The last time, I was forced too." Dean said, Castiel cocked his head, "Forced?" He had a slight look of disbelief. "She locked the door and pushed me on the bed. I told her no, but that didn't matter." Castiel nodded. It pissed him off to know that Lisa did that. "That's awful. Why didn't you throw her?" Castiel said, Dean scoffed, "She probably would have said that I raped her or beat her or somethin'. She'll do anything." Cas rolled his eyes. "I'm not fully opposed to hitting a woman." Dean laughed a little, "You know, I'm glad to have ya, man." Dean smiled. Cas smiled back, "Good. I'm glad to have you too." Dean leaned in and kissed him. "Ha! Gaaaaayyy!" Cas looked behind Dean's head to see Sam and Gabriel. Of course. Dean turned around, "I'll kick your ass, Gabe!" The two boys ran up the stairs giggling. "Assbutt..." Castiel said under his breath. Dean laughed, "I'll never get use to that word."

Castiel was having his first moments of alone time. He sighed, he decided that he would bake something to keep himself busy until Gabe or Dean got there. He pulled out his mother's recipe book. Since it was October, he decided to do some cute little mummy cupcakes. He got out the ingredients for them, but was interrupted by some knocks on the door. He furrowed his eyebrows and peeked through the peephole. His heart sank. It was Gadreel. A burst of anger went through him, but he kept his composure. Cas opened the door and stared at him, Gadreel smiled and bit his lip. "Hey, Cassie." Cas sighed, "Don't call me that. What do you want?" Gadreel stepped closer and Castiel stood more in the doorway so he couldn't get in. "Answer my question." Castiel said sternly. Gadreel sighed with annoyance, "I want to talk." Castiel rolled his eyes and cocked his head, "And what exactly is there to talk about? Huh? That you were cheating on me with a fucker who didn't even care about you? A dumbass who was only your fuck buddy?" Cas let go of the door and took a step closer, "What the fuck is there to talk about? You cheated on me. I'm done with you." Gadreel was looking at the ground, he looked Cas in the eye, a tear rolled down his cheek, "I'm sorry, Cassie." Cas clenched his jaw, "Don't call me that." Gadreel took a step towards him and Cas didn't move. Gadreel, "I heard about your mom, I'm sorry." Cas stared at him, Gadreel reached out, "You touch me, and I'll rip your fucking arm off. You're just here because he left you for someone with a bigger dick. And trust me, it's not that hard to find." Gadreel started laughing, "Bullshit, you fucking miss me."

Cas heard the purr of the Impala's engine and smiled, "I don't. Trust me." Gadreel shook his head, "You won't find someone as good as me, and no one will treat you as good as I did." Cas scoffed and rolled his eyes, "Hey, Cas, who's this?" Dean came walking up, looking concerned. Gadreel turned around and looked at Dean, slightly threatened. Dean smiled, "I know now, it's douchebag!" Gadreel flicked his head towards Cas, "What did he call me?" Dean stepped a bit closer to him, "You heard me, douchebag." Gadreel pushed Dean back, "Who do you think you are?" Dean pushed him back, "Someone who isn't a complete asshole." Gadreel punched Dean, knocking him down on the grass. "That's it." Before Cas could stop himself, he grabbed Gadreel's shoulder and hit him. Once he fell to the ground, Cas got on top and grabbed the collar of his shirt, "You are a selfish," Cas punched him again, "pretentious," Cas hit him again, "asshole." Cas dropped him. "And I don't want you coming around me again." Cas walked over and helped Dean up, then they walked inside together.

Cas slammed the door and started crying, "Cas, honey-" Dean grabbed Cas's face, "It's okay." He pulled Cas into his chest, "Shh, it's okay, baby, it's okay." Cas clung to him and cried hard, "I didn't mean to, Dean." Cas gripped onto Dean's shirt and cried.


	17. Chapter 17- Selfish Ways

Cas's head hurt from crying, and he felt frustrated and confused because of what he did. He let himself slip again. His eyes puffy and red, he looked across at Dean, who was sitting across from him, "I had that under control, Dean. You shouldn't have interfered." Cas said. Dean rolled his eyes, "Would you like me to have just watched that? I could tell it was getting bad-" Cas cut him off, "I had it under control. I needed to face this by myself." He felt his cheeks get hot. "Whatever, Cas." Dean looked away, "I'm not a child, Dean." He watch as Dean shook his head, and didn't look at him. "Dean, look at me, please." Dean stood up and sniffled, "I'm gonna go ahead and go." He looked at Cas, and saw that he had tears in his eyes, "See ya, Cas." He bent down and kissed Cas's head. "I love you." And Dean walked out. "I love you too." Cas whispered, as more tears ran down his cheeks.

Cas went up to his room, fueled by rage, he slammed the door and looked around his room. He looked at his desk, covered in drawings and pictures. He flung it across his room, then destroyed his perfectly made bed. He looked around and in the last fit of rage, he punched his wall, leaving a hole. His breathing was heavy, and he backed away, and collapsed on his bed. His arms were stretched out, like a pair of wings spread out. He looked over and saw a picture of his mother, and suddenly, his lids felt too heavy to keep open. 

Dean walked back to house, with tears falling from his eyes. He wiped them and took a deep breath before walking in the door. He opened it, and saw his dad yelling, and throwing things around. "Dammit Dean! Where the fuck have you been?" Dean jumped and clenched his jaw. "I've just been at the neighbors, sir." His dad got up in his face, he could smell the alcohol on him. "I heard that you were a little faggot." His dad pushed him. Dean felt his stomach drop and his heart began beating faster and faster. "I'm not." Dean tried to avoid eye contact. John grabbed him by his shirt and got face to face, "Don't you lie to me." John said through gritted teeth. Dean closed his eyes, they burned. "I'm not lying, sir. Who told you that?" Dean said, he was afraid of what his dad might do. John threw him down and laughed. "It was Lisa, that pretty little thing you let go for an ugly fudge-packer. I've seen you with him, Dean, I'm not dumb." John walked through the opening and into the kitchen and grabbed his bottle of whiskey, then sat at the table. Dean looked up the staircase and saw Sam, looking at him with concerned eyes, and Dean shook his head, as to say, " _No, Sammy, don't come down_." But Sam came down anyway. He helped Dean up, and looked at him, concerned. "I'm okay, Sammy. Go back upstairs." Sam shook his head, "No." Then he looked at John. "Hey Sam." John said, "Did you know your brother is a faggot?" Dean grabbed Sam's arm, "Sammy, go upstairs now." Dean said. Sam stepped between John and Dean, "Dad, you've just had a lot to drink, just go to bed." Sam said, and stepped closer to John, "What would your mother think of you know, Dean? She wouldn't be able to live knowing her little Dean was a fudge-packer." John stood up and pushed the chair behind him, sending it flying. "A fucking faggot!" John yelled, and chunked it at the ground, right in front of Sam's bare feet. That was it. That pushed Dean to far. Dean pushed past Sam and hit John, John got back up and hit Dean, then hit him again, and again, until Sam pulled John off of him. "What the hell is goin' on here?" A voice said. They turned around and saw Bobby. Bobby walked over and pulled Dean up, "Get the fuck out of here." Bobby looked at John and said. "Not until he stops being a-" Bobby cut him off, "Out!"

"Now, son, you wanna tell me what happened?" Bobby asked Dean while handing him an ice pack. Dean took it and shook his head softly. "I don't want to lose you too, Bobby. You've been more of a father to me than that prick." Bobby sat at the kitchen table beside Dean, "You'll never get rid of me until I'm dead, and even then, I'd haunt the hell outta you." Bobby smiled at Dean, "Now, tell me." Dean rubbed the back of his neck, "I have a- uh- boyfriend..." Dean said, without making eye contact. "That's it?" Bobby asked, and Dean looked up at Bobby, "You're not going to call me a faggot and throw me away, are you?" Dean asked. Bobby shook his head, "I could never do that to you. You're like my own and I love you." Bobby said and smiled. Dean smiled back, "I love you too, Bobby."

Dean laid in his bed thinking. What would happen when his dad came back? What was he gonna do with Cas? It was just too much. He had no idea what would happen to him or Cas, hell, even Sam. John was a very angry man, and this is the worse he's ever been, Dean has never seen him that angry. Dean sighed and looked out at his window, and looked at the tree that was right by his window. Then he saw something, and heard little knocking sounds. He crawled out of bed and looked out, then he saw it, Cas was on the branch and was knocking on the window. Dean quickly opened it, "Cas? What the hell?" Cas climbed in. "Dean." He said, his eyes wide and apologetic, "I'm so sorry. There was just too many emotions I was feeling and I just-" Dean cut Cas off by pressing his lips against Cas's. Dean pulled back and winced, his lip was split. "Dean what happened?" Cas asked, then began examining Dean's face.

Cas laid beside Dean and watched him sleep. After Dean told him what had happened, Cas couldn't fall asleep, he felt guilty, he had never seen Dean so hurt and vulnerable. But the full moon cast a glow in Dean's room, a glow that felt magical. The glow made Dean seem more beautiful than he already was. Cas could lay there and watch Dean sleep like this forever, Cas had the most beautiful view in the whole world. He watched as Dean's chest rose and fell softly, he could still make out all of the freckles across his cheeks, and the soft, plump look of his lips. Cas leaned over and kissed Deans head, then laid his head down, and slowly fell asleep.


End file.
